


Don't Judge Me But...Round Two

by viviegirl05



Series: Drinking Games [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Drinking, Drinking Games, don't judge me but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 15:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18803389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viviegirl05/pseuds/viviegirl05
Summary: A week after their last drinking game, Bucky and Clint gathered everyone in the common room and announced that they were playing don’t judge me but again.





	Don't Judge Me But...Round Two

A week after their last drinking game, Bucky and Clint gathered everyone in the common room and announced that they were playing don’t judge me but again. They handed out pre-made drinks: scotch for Tony, Long Island Iced Teas from Wanda and Darcy, Vodka neat for Natasha, whiskey for Sam, rum and coke for Rhodey and Bucky, a seven and seven for Clint, Asgardian mead for Steve, and an appletini for Peter.

“Alright, Tony, you go first,” Clint said when they had all settled in a loose circle.

“Ok, don’t judge me but I once forgot where I left my car and just bought a new car. I still have no idea what happened to the first car.”

No one drank.

“Yeah, shocker that no one else has enough money to just give up when they couldn’t find their car,” Darcy rolled her eyes.

“My turn, don’t judge me but I once hooked up with a cop in the police station parking lot and my butt hit the horn,” Wanda smiled as Peter drank.

“At a police station?” Tony raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Peter blushed a bit.

“Ok,” Sam grinned. “Don’t judge me but I once had to stop in the middle of sex because I was dehydrated.”

Clint and Tony drank.

“You guys should really lay off the booze when you’re planning to have sex,” Wanda giggled.

“Don’t judge me but I once stalked my boyfriend’s ex for seven months only to realize it was a different person with the same name,” Darcy’s grin faltered as no one drank. “Really? I’m the only one? Come on people!” They all laughed.

“Don’t judge me but I have on many occasions taken food out of a trash can and eaten it,” Clint admitted.

Bucky and Peter drank.

“It’s called being poor people!” Peter cried when he was met with judgemental looks. 

“Don’t judge me but,” Steve snickered, “I have stepped in dog poop barefoot many times.”

Darcy, Clint, Sam, and Bucky all drank.

“So now we know who had a pet dog at some point in their lives,” Natasha shrugged.

“Don’t judge me but I have walked into a pole in public because I wasn’t paying attention more than once,” Peter smiled.

Tony, Sam, and Clint drank.

“And that surprised absolutely no one,” Darcy rolled her eyes.

“Don’t judge me but I once accidentally said ‘I love you’ to someone,” Rhodey said into his drink, ashamed. 

Tony, Clint, and Bucky all drank.

“It’s hard not to say it back when someone says ‘I love you!’” Clint cried as snickers went around the group.

“Don’t judge me but I watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” Bucky admitted proudly.

Natasha and Darcy drank.

“It both a great drinking show and a great work out show,” Natasha shrugged.

“What?” Steve looked confused.

“Like, every time something happens you drink or do a certain number of an exercise move, depending on which game you’re playing,” Darcy explained. When Steve looked even more confused she elaborated. “Like, when someone says ‘literally'-”

“Kim,” Bucky coughed not at all discreetly.

“-you take a drink or do 10 push ups, depending on which game you’re playing,” Darcy finished with a smirk.

“Ah, ok, I get it,” Steve smiled. “Natasha, it’s your turn,” he motioned to said woman.

“Don’t judge me but I once clogged a toilet at a friends house and just walked away without doing or saying anything,” Natasha said without shame.

Tony and Sam shamefully drank.

“Back to me!” Tony cried. “Don’t judge me but I once had such bad food poisoning I had to redo the bathroom.”

No one drank and there was at least five seconds of awkward silence.

“What the hell did you eat?” Darcy looked like she didn’t really want to ask.

“Snake from this weird, back-room restaurant that no one knew existed. I think it was actually an attempt on my life,” Tony said.

“Well that would have been one hell of a way to go!” Sam laughed.

“Ok, don’t judge me but I thought Spam was made up until last year,” Wanda said.

Peter, Clint, and Tony drank.

“I thought Spam was made up until you said that,” Peter admitted, making everyone laugh.

“Don’t judge me but I once fell asleep watching porn...in my dorm room,” Sam ducked his head to avoid eye contact.

Tony, Darcy, Natasha, and Clint drank.

“You guys went to college?” Peter asked Natasha and Clint.

“It was a Shield dorm,” Natasha explained.

“So...what kind of porn was it? Something extra embarrassing or just ordinary stuff?” Peter asked slyly.

“DON’T JUDGE ME BUT,” Darcy said loudly, changing the subject amid uproarious laughter. “I’m endorsed for customer service on LinkedIn by a guy I once hooked up with.”

Peter, Wanda, and Tony drank.

“Must have been some damn good sex!” Rhodey grinned.

“It was thoroughly mediocre, but he thought it was great,” Darcy shrugged.

“Sounds about right,” Clint agreed. “Don’t judge me but, I like Nickelback.”

After a stagnant silence Bucky, Tony, and Wanda drank.

“I’m sensing that is something embarrassing, so…” Steve said. “Don’t judge me but I once got my head stuck between the spindles on the stair railing and my mom had to butter my head to get me out.”

Sam was the only other one to drink.

“Did your mom really butter your head too?” Steve asked.

“It was actually peanut oil,” Sam admitted, “but same principle.”

“Alright, don’t judge me but I have never owned a watch,” Peter continued the game.

Wanda and Darcy drank.

“How do you know what time it is?” Steve asked.

“Just use your phone,” Darcy said as if it was obvious.

“Don’t judge me but I once had diarrhea and threw up at the same time...in a public restroom,” Rhodey said. 

Clint and Sam drank.

“Well I thought that was going to be rarer,” Rhodey raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Don’t judge me but I once went through a job interview with a humongous booger hanging out of my nose and still got the job,” Bucky said.

Darcy and Sam drank.

“Wait, really?” Wanda looked around in surprise.

“Apparently people are desperate for workers,” Sam shrugged. “Thanks  crumbling economy!”

“Don’t judge me but,” Natasha chuckled. “I once had sex in the shower and we fell, resulting in a hospital trip - he had a concussion, I broke my wrist.”

Peter and Tony drank. 

“Yeah, since Peter revealed his sluttiness, and with Tony’s long established sluttiness, that isn’t really a surprise,” Natasha sounds disappointed that no one else drank. “So what were the injuries?”

“I had a gash on the back of my head and she dislocated her elbow,” Tony said.

“I sprained my wrist and she just had some really bad bruising,” Peter explained.

“Whatever,” Tony brushed off the semi-awkward moment. “Don’t judge me but I once made a test to see what kind of dog you would be for buzzfeed.“

Peter drank.

“It was cats,” he elaborated at Tony’s stunned expression, “but basically the same.”

“Don’t judge me but,” Wanda contemplated, “...I have fallen asleep and woken up in different places.”

Bucky, Clint, Steve, Darcy, Wanda, Peter, and Tony drank heartily.

“Let me guess, heavy drinking?” Rhodey looked distinctly judgemental. 

“NO JUDGING HONEY BEAR!” Tony declared, pointing at his best friend in accusation. 

“I apologize,” Rhodey said, hands raised in surrender.

“Don’t judge me but,” Sam grinned impishly, “I once took nude photos of my college roommate for $5.”

No one drank.

“Sad. No one made a quick buck off their roommates disregard for the Cloud,” Sam sighed.

“Don’t judge me but I once sneezed and my tampon shot out like a missle,” Darcy said shamelessly.

Again, no one drank.

“That sounds unbearably awkward,” Bucky said uncomfortably, not making eye contact.

“Moving on from THAT unpleasantness,” Clint shifted where he sat. “Don’t judge me but I once snuck into a concert dressed as a paramedic.”

Darcy drank.

“Oh come on people- you get in for free!” Darcy cried.

“Maybe we don’t need to get in for free,” Tony gave the two of them a pointed look.

“Don’t be judgmental, you just yelled at Rhodey for that!” Clint defended.

“Moving on,” Steve grinned. “Don’t judge me but I once used the excuse ‘my dog ate my homework’ and it WORKED even though I didn’t have a dog.”

Tony and Darcy drank.

“I had just moved to town and the teacher didn’t know me yet,” Darcy shrugged.

“I think my teacher was just too afraid of my parents to call me on it,” Tony admitted.

“Noice. Don’t judge me but I once called a guy 'bro' during sex,” Peter blushed.

No one drank, and everyone laughed.

“Well I bet that ruined the mood!” Darcy guffawed.

“It did,” Peter agreed.

“Alright, don’t judge me but I once broke my nose doing a keg stand,” Rhodey said.

Sam, Clint, Tony, Peter, and Darcy drank.

“Well that was quite a turn out,” Rhodey boasted. “I chose wisely.”

“An Indiana Jones reference?” Darcy commented. “Nice choice.”

“Don’t judge me but I once went to a state fair and got ten orders of fried pickles from one vender because they were SO GOOD,” Bucky said.

Rhodey drank.

“Really? Ten orders of fried pickles?” Tony looked surprised.

“They were really, really good!” Rhodey defended.

“Don’t judge me but,” Natasha chuckled, “I once masterbated to Ron Swanson from Park and Rec.”

Wanda, Darcy, and Peter drank.

“Who doesn’t want a piece of that manly stud?!” Darcy cried. “Weirdos,” she muttered under her breath.

“Don’t judge me but,” Tony pushed through, “I have imagined who would play me in a movie of my life.” 

Peter, Sam, Rhodey, Darcy, and Clint drank.

“So who would everyone want?” Darcy asked. “I picked Kat Dennings, that sexy beast!”

“I feel like Tom Holland would do a good job,” Peter shrugged.

“Anthony Mackie,” Sam stated proudly.

“Don Cheadle,” Rhodey said.

“Talk about a dead ringer,” Tony nodded. “I would go with Robert Downey Jr.”

“I’m going to have to go with Jeremy Renner,” Clint decided.

“You guys are so shallow,” Wanda rolled her eyes. “Don’t judge me but I once had phone sex with a stranger.” 

Tony and Darcy drank.

“I love wrong numbers,” Darcy grinned. “I like to answer with a different random greeting every time.”

“I just launched right into ‘what are you wearing’ and it went from there,” Tony smirked as the three of them clinked glasses.

“Don’t judge me but,” Sam snickered. “I once tried to skateboard and ended up with a concussion, three chipped teeth, and a broken wrist in about three seconds.”

Peter drank.

“Really?” Steve asked.

“It was a little different, I only chipped two teeth, and I lasted at least ten seconds, but yeah,” Peter shrugged.

“Don’t judge me but I was SUPER depressed when I didn’t get a Hogwarts letter and my parents had to take me to a counselor,” Darcy admitted. 

Sam and Peter drank.

“I was too old by the time I read the books,” Tony looked depressed just thinking about it.

“Same,” Steve, Bucky, and Clint agreed simultaneously. 

“Ok, don’t judge me but I pretend I’m being chased by zombies when I jog to stay motivated,” Clint grinned. 

Darcy, Natasha, Wanda, and Tony drank as Tony cried, “I do now!”

“That’s actually a great technique,” Bucky smiled.

“Don’t judge me but I once participated in a drinking contest- after I got the serum,” Steve grinned devilishly.

Tony, Sam, Clint, and Natasha drank.

“Obviously not the serum part for us, but is anyone really surprised by this turn out?” Clint looked around to examine everyone’s faces for surprise.

“Don’t judge me but,” Peter looked thoughtful, then grinned. “I once sexted by boss by accident and he replied.”

Sam drank.

“It was super awkward at work the next day, but yeah, it totally happened,” Sam said sheepishly.

“Don’t judge me but,” Rhodey said. “I do the Polar Plunge every year.”

Sam and Natasha drank.

“It’s supposed to be really good for your health,” Sam acknowledged.

“It does help soothe the ache from old wounds,” Natasha agreed.

“Ok, promise you won’t judge me, but,” Bucky looked up from under his lashes at them all, ashamed, “ I once stole an umbrella from a guy in a wheelchair.”

Natasha drank.

“Not gonna lie, I’m kind of judging,” Darcy tilted her head with the admission.

“Whatever,” Natasha flipped her hair. “Don’t judge me but I have cried or flirted my way out of a speeding ticket many times.”

Darcy, Wanda, Sam, and Rhodey drank.

“Platypus?” Tony looked shocked.

“Don’t look at me like that, speeding tickets are expensive in construction zones!” Rhodey defended.

“Fine, I guess I can forgive you,” Tony huffed. “Don’t judge me but I once peed in the sink because the toilet was clogged.”

Bucky and Clint drank.

“Seriously guys? Get a plunger, damn,” Sam shook his head at the three.

“Alright, don’t judge me but I slashed my ex’s tires- but only three because insurance won’t cover if it’s not all four tires, then I filmed him slashing the last one and reported him for insurance fraud,” Wanda grinned evilly. 

“And making a note of  _ that  _ for future use!” Darcy said as she toasted Wanda.

“You are just so kind-hearted, Wanda,” Sam joked. “Don’t judge me but, I have re-gifted something to the person who gave it to me first...on purpose.” 

Rhodey, Peter, Clint, and Darcy drank.

“Really guys, on purpose?” Steve gave them the eyebrows of disappointment.

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Peter started.

“I just honestly forgot it was them who gave it to me,” Darcy finished.

“My bitch-ass cousin deserved it- it was a crap gift,” Rhodey shrugged.

“I just hated them,” Clint smirked.

“Respect,” Darcy toasted. “Don’t judge me but I used to turn all my stuffed animals around so they couldn’t see me masturbate.”

No one drank.

“What were you doing still having stuffed animals at that age?” Tony looked judgmental.

“It was a sentiment thing! And my mom wouldn’t let me get rid of them!” Darcy defended, embarrassed.

“It’s alright, no one’s judging you,” Clint patted her arm comfortingly. “Don’t judge me but I once threw up in a blind dates lap ten minutes into the date.”

Tony was the only one to drink.

“You guys are class acts,” Natasha grinned.

“Don’t judge me but,” Steve smiled, “I have, more than once, been so sunburnt I couldn’t wear a shirt.”

Darcy and Peter drank.

“Not surprising, sunscreen didn’t exist when you were a kid,” Rhodey nodded in understanding.

“And I’m just pale as fuck,” Darcy said.

“It’s easy to burn when you’re pale,” Peter agreed. “Ok, don’t judge me but  I once walked into a pull door while carrying a full tray of Starbucks. It went everywhere.”

Darcy toasted him and drank, “it is a right of passage for any unpaid intern.”

“I was actually being paid,” Peter admitted.

“Fuck you Parker,” Darcy deadpanned.

“Alright,” Rhodey interrupted. “Don’t judge me but I once put baking soda in my coffee instead of sugar and drank it anyway.”

Tony was the only person to drink.

“Coffee’s coffee,” he shrugged, unashamed.

“Riiiiight,” Bucky side-eyed the best friends. “Don’t judge me but I once drank an entire case of coke in one sitting.”

Steve, Tony, Darcy, Clint, Rhodey, Sam, and Peter drank.

“Finals week is a bitch,” Peter sighed.

“Caffeine is a MUST,” Darcy confirmed.

“I just wanted to see if caffeine would effect me. It didn’t,” Steve twisted his mouth in disappointment. 

“Alright, don’t judge me but,” Natasha smirked. “ I once forgot to buy deodorant so I just sprayed perfume under my arms.” 

Darcy and Tony drank.

“Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do,” Darcy shrugged.

“It was cologne, but same deal,” Tony agreed. “So, don’t judge me but I once cleaned out my fridge and found food that expired more than a decade ago.”

Rhodey drank.

“Yeah, you two are really the only ones that could have happened to, logistically,” Sam said.

“Don’t judge me but I once filled my purse with food from an all you can eat buffet,” Wanda admitted.

Natasha and Darcy drank.

“What do you mean you only did it once,” Darcy scoffed.

“You paid for it, may as well get all you can from it,” Natasha nodded in agreement.

“You guys are just so classy,” Sam smirked. “My turn. Don’t judge me but I have fallen asleep in church. Repeatedly.”

After a moment of silence everyone drank.

“Well we’re all going to hell,” Tony looked around at everyone.

“Too late to change it now,” Darcy brushed off. “Don’t judge me but  I once crimped my hair for a party in high school.” 

Peter drank.

“Seriously? How would that even work?” Clint’s forehead creased in confusion.

“Lets just say that I got burnt many times and it did NOT look good,” Peter ducked his head, avoiding eye contact.

“Whatever, Legolas, your turn,” Tony turned to the man in question expectantly.

“Don’t judge me but, I put ice cubes in my cereal,” Clint said.

Steve and Bucky drank.

“It’s not like we had a lot of milk to spare for things like cereal,” Steve shrugged.

“It was an easy way to fill the bowl for free,” Bucky agreed.

“Anyway,” Steve moved the game forward. “Don’t judge me but I have gone without a shower for more than a week.”

Tony, Bucky, Rhodey, Clint, and Sam drank.

“Really? For me it was because of the war and not having access to a way to get clean, but what’s up with you guys?” Steve asked.

“Same as you, the war,” Bucky explained.

“Mission,” was all Clint said.

“Water shortage,” Rhodey chimed in.

“There was a small drought when I was deployed,” Sam elaborated.

“I work for days on end without rest,” Tony shrugged.

“Nice,” Peter nodded at his mentor. “Don’t judge me but  I once dyed my hair and it went horribly wrong.”

Darcy drank.

“What color were you aiming for?” Sam asked the couple.

“Blond,” Peter replied. “I do NOT look good as a blond.”

“Purple,” Darcy stated. “It came out all uneven and weird.”

“Alright,” Rhodey said. “Don’t judge me but  I have been kicked out of more than thirty bars throughout the years.”

Tony and Clint drank.

“Well color me not surprised,” Darcy said amusedly. 

“Don’t judge me but,” Bucky grinned. “I have flashed for a free drink and Mardi Gras beads.”

Darcy and Wanda drank.

“Gotta love Mardi Gras!” Darcy raised her drink.

“New Orleans is  _ awesome _ ,” Wanda agreed.

“Classy,” Natasha snorted. “Don’t judge me but I once paid $76 in late fees at Blockbuster.” Tony drank.

“It was actually $84, but, you know, same difference,” Tony shrugged.

“Alright, I think we should call it a night,” Steve announced as Wanda reached to refill her cup and ending up falling and banging her head on the table.

They all staggered off to their rooms to sleep off the booze and, with any luck, their hangovers.

**Author's Note:**

> *Snake from this weird, back-room restaurant that no one knew existed - I got that from the movie Keeping Up With The Joneses


End file.
